C’est la vie

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I have been this girl who has her shit together and more often than not, things somehow worked for me. There has been this consistent seamless flow of things in life around me. And I have been happy for the better part. Happy for the things I have been able to achieve, happy at the things life has offered to me and those that my support system has just handed me down. Still, some things didn’t feel right, and I always felt like there was something lacked or didn’t experience. For a time, I blamed my “lack” to my mother babying me too much. Other times I blamed it on lack of a father and so I would throw it around as daddy issues. And then mostly, I would blame it on off and on instabilities… The other day, I realized that I sack at being a friend. I am a lame friend to say the least. I get tired of reaching out and so most of my friendships die naturally. But I’m learning to hold tight to the ones I got.

The past 3 years have been a real test. I have fallen off high seats in almost all aspects. I have envisioned a picture perfect life for me. But things took a 360 in snap of a finger. I started losing interest in things I loved. Words! Boy I loved words and music.. I loved reading books, pieces of writing, listening to Music, poetry and just being in the zone. This blog write here was my escape and I love taking care of it, Hip-hop and Neosoul. These were the things that defined me. Then things started going haywire with my job. All over sudden, I started experiencing some subtle indirect attacks…. The witch hunting kind of attack – you sudden become incompetent, unqualified and demotivated. All this I took in, slowly by slowly they started defining who I am. I stopped being the girl who’s got her shit together to the girl who had no idea what she want or what tomorrow looked like. Her shine started diming.

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About the same time I got pregnant and before I could figure this whole mess up I became a single mother.. There is being a single mother. Then there is being a single mother amidst a mess. Things get thick and took a toll on my emotions. Self-esteem went out the window. I started feeling like a failure. Happy days become a futile. I kept pushing despite having those days… Days you question every little thing. Days you have no idea what you are doing. Days you wonder how your daughter will turn out and days you just want things to work out. As a girl who has grown up partly without a dad, I worry for my daughter more than anything. I worry she might experience daddy issues. That she might never get to have enough of her dad. That she might grow up looking for validations in all the wrong places. And so all this weight I have carried along with me for years. And slowly by slowly I’m getting weary, hurt and even sadder. And I am tired of masking it up. And in the mix of all these, I have in turn hurt people- consciously or otherwise, I have done things that’s I’m not pleased with. I’m not the person I was and it scares me that I may be heading into a ditch if I don’t get things together. I am getting absent minded more often- something I have never experienced. I’m scared depression could just walk in without my notice and it would be sad for me, my daughter and mom who look up to me.

What am I trying to say? I. Need. To. Save. Me. I want to speak my issues out. I want to heal.

PS. I would like to hear your story of whatever it is you are struggling with. Leave me a comment.

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Broken Tune

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An unsung song

With a broken tune

And broken chords of my guitar

And a hoarse voice

Terribly screeching sound

As it plays

A broken tune

of what was once a beautiful soul

And the woes endured

Wretched heart growing old

And thoughts already lost

Melodic songs have been sung

by others but her.

Lost words and no rhyme

Anxious

Afraid

Trembling voice

Broken

Date a Man Who Prays

Date a man who prays,
A man who will not be ashamed to tell you ‘baby wait’,
Just when you’re about to take a bite off that meal,
He will not be ashamed to lead in prayers,
One who, every morning will remind you to give thank for yet another sunrise,
He will sit at your bedside as you’re deep asleep to thank God for you.

Date a man who has a functional relationship with the maker
Not lost in religion; instead, he cultivates a sound relationship with the higher being
A man after God’s words and deeds
He will commit his daily work to God in prayers
As the head of the family,
He will dedicate his house to God’s protection

Date a man who prays,
A man who’s grateful for the little thing in life
One who appreciates the marvelous works of God in a woman,
He will see her in the likeness and image of God,
And will respect her for that.

You, should date a man who prays!

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We are tangled

Twisted

No start or end

Complicated

We don’t know where we started or where we will end

Like a tango

We fight and struggle

but we end up together

We are engraved in each other’s heart

You and I have this twisted chemistry

like 8, tied up, inseparable

two tiny nothings make up this thing we share

between you and me is a chord

strong enough to be broken

You’re the O I hold on to

Understanding Me

Over the last few months, mine has been an emotional roller-coaster. I have had my best moments and bad moments too. At one time I was being hailed in my village after my graduation and weeks later, a part of me was slowly dying. I have pretended to be fine though something could show to those who know me. Bottled up so much anger I couldn’t even bleed if I was cut! left with so many un-answered questions, wondering what people do when love don’t love them?

After a period of soaking in sadness and anger, I realized I needed to be sober. To face the situation a little more critically and rationally without getting emotional. I embarked on a journey to try and understand me.

A friend told me that “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expect  different results”. It hit me maybe it’s time I change how I do things.

Maybe it’s time I seek myself first before seeking others.

I want to know me inside out.

I want to understand my emotions better.

I want to deal with myself first before you come in.

I want to love me completely before I could love you.

I want to be able to handle me, so that I can handle you better.

I want to deal with past issues which I have let spill into my present.

I want to take time with myself before I can spend the rest with you.

Me

I need to be able to share myself with me before I let you in.

I need to guard my heart to be able to guard yours.

I need to unmask the skeletons in my closet before I can dress you.

I need to build a way for us to take.

I need to lead you to my path for you to follow.

I need to keep walking to our destiny.

I need to keep the spirit even when you stop.

I need to sketch my dreams in order to see our future.

I need to understand me, to understand you.

Lost Blood

Grey replaced loyalty,

Time became a killer,

Of something mightily blessed

Conversations turned the room dull,

There was no clear sight

Friends become foes

Distance grew wider

Black was dancing to the victory song

As red lay on the dying bed.

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Dressed in a blue armour,

Hope fought tirelessly,

Though her energy dwindled like a flickering light.

She held a green mantle

And matched around the cemetery

Calling out loud to save the lost blood

Yellow adamantly followed

And pride swayed her hips from a distance.

Tried, and tired of the fight,

Each cut going deeper

And with scars bluntly showing

She won’t let her zeal die

determined to fight tooth and nail

To save the lost blood

To save her own flesh,

Her Love.

PS: The title is borrowed from Xtatic’s song “Lost Blood”, one of my favorite unpublished song she ever did!

The Language of Silence

Listen,
as silence speaks,
they talk in their native language,
so loud that the deaf could hear.
In their artistry they ask for a moment,
in honor of the departed, we remain silence.
In their language they rob us a chance to share,
they rob us the vital sense of relationships,
repressing our feelings,
killing the desire to express ourselves.
In the sound of silence,
we are threatened,
we are uncertain whether to break it or not,
and in the naked light,
silence strikes!
and we all recognise their presence.
It’s only when silence speaks,
that we are able to listen to our thoughts.

I Chased The Rain

I chased the Rain away

Without my knowledge I sent it away

I let the wind blow it to a different land

Whining and dissatisfied I blew it away

And now am dying from drought…

I chased the Rain

Just when the skies were swollen like udders

The clouds were dark ready to let it fall

But I was too impatient to wait for the skies  to open

And instead, they curved in fear…

I shortchanged the Rain

No enough was ever enough for me

In showers I wanted heavy down pour,

I never appreciated it, belittled it

And now am crying under the merciless sun

Burning me to the heart…

Bring back the Rain,

Just to see the raindrops rolling down my window

And I will surrender to it

I’ll let it rain in a special way,

Quiet, gentle, tapping on my roof…

Dear God bring back the Rain tonight!

Peaceful Waters

Sat by the river

listening to the water splash in a hurry

Birds singing beautiful melodies

But thoughts tore my mind

They invaded my most vital part

barring every clear idea

what if I dive in,

or maybe just fell in

would I survive?

Would my limbs save me?

Would I be at peace?

…. and then I let my mind free

I let the water carry my thoughts away

cool calm water

flowing beneath my feet,

freezing the blood inside me

my feet trembled

in those cold water,

but there was peace in its calmness

the surrounding was serene

green and full on life

I felt a change

as my soul took a rest

it took control of me

Cleared my every thought.

The water supplied me with peace.

On the horizon

the sun begun to set

as the water run faster

for a moment I was blank

and I knew that was it!

My mind was clear,

My soul had found rest,

My heart was at peace.

Everything had been swept away by the river

the setting sun promised a new dawn

just as it silently assured.

I don’t know what to call this

Soul searching,

Meditation,

Contemplation,

Evaluation,

In the quest to find thy true self,

To find a bearing,

To find an anchor point,

To prioritise,

To know the value,

To know what matters and wahat don’t,

To distinguish between a heart’s and/or mind’s work,

To find ones strengths,

To place “what” where it should be,

To establish your career path,

To have life,

To decide when to quit or let pass,

To tell reality rule,

To rebuild,

To break,

To make a fresh start,

To let God rule,

To read the signs,

To ignore the not-so-important,

To take a rest,

To end!