I have been this girl who has her shit together and more often than not, things somehow worked for me. There has been this consistent seamless flow of things in life around me. And I have been happy for the better part. Happy for the things I have been able to achieve, happy at the things life has offered to me and those that my support system has just handed me down. Still, some things didn’t feel right, and I always felt like there was something lacked or didn’t experience. For a time, I blamed my “lack” to my mother babying me too much. Other times I blamed it on lack of a father and so I would throw it around as daddy issues. And then mostly, I would blame it on off and on instabilities… The other day, I realized that I sack at being a friend. I am a lame friend to say the least. I get tired of reaching out and so most of my friendships die naturally. But I’m learning to hold tight to the ones I got.
The past 3 years have been a real test. I have fallen off high seats in almost all aspects. I have envisioned a picture perfect life for me. But things took a 360 in snap of a finger. I started losing interest in things I loved. Words! Boy I loved words and music.. I loved reading books, pieces of writing, listening to Music, poetry and just being in the zone. This blog write here was my escape and I love taking care of it, Hip-hop and Neosoul. These were the things that defined me. Then things started going haywire with my job. All over sudden, I started experiencing some subtle indirect attacks…. The witch hunting kind of attack – you sudden become incompetent, unqualified and demotivated. All this I took in, slowly by slowly they started defining who I am. I stopped being the girl who’s got her shit together to the girl who had no idea what she want or what tomorrow looked like. Her shine started diming.
About the same time I got pregnant and before I could figure this whole mess up I became a single mother.. There is being a single mother. Then there is being a single mother amidst a mess. Things get thick and took a toll on my emotions. Self-esteem went out the window. I started feeling like a failure. Happy days become a futile. I kept pushing despite having those days… Days you question every little thing. Days you have no idea what you are doing. Days you wonder how your daughter will turn out and days you just want things to work out. As a girl who has grown up partly without a dad, I worry for my daughter more than anything. I worry she might experience daddy issues. That she might never get to have enough of her dad. That she might grow up looking for validations in all the wrong places. And so all this weight I have carried along with me for years. And slowly by slowly I’m getting weary, hurt and even sadder. And I am tired of masking it up. And in the mix of all these, I have in turn hurt people- consciously or otherwise, I have done things that’s I’m not pleased with. I’m not the person I was and it scares me that I may be heading into a ditch if I don’t get things together. I am getting absent minded more often- something I have never experienced. I’m scared depression could just walk in without my notice and it would be sad for me, my daughter and mom who look up to me.
What am I trying to say? I. Need. To. Save. Me. I want to speak my issues out. I want to heal.
PS. I would like to hear your story of whatever it is you are struggling with. Leave me a comment.