C’est la vie


I have been this girl who has her shit together and more often than not, things somehow worked for me. There has been this consistent seamless flow of things in life around me. And I have been happy for the better part. Happy for the things I have been able to achieve, happy at the things life has offered to me and those that my support system has just handed me down. Still, some things didn’t feel right, and I always felt like there was something lacked or didn’t experience. For a time, I blamed my “lack” to my mother babying me too much. Other times I blamed it on lack of a father and so I would throw it around as daddy issues. And then mostly, I would blame it on off and on instabilities… The other day, I realized that I sack at being a friend. I am a lame friend to say the least. I get tired of reaching out and so most of my friendships die naturally. But I’m learning to hold tight to the ones I got.

The past 3 years have been a real test. I have fallen off high seats in almost all aspects. I have envisioned a picture perfect life for me. But things took a 360 in snap of a finger. I started losing interest in things I loved. Words! Boy I loved words and music.. I loved reading books, pieces of writing, listening to Music, poetry and just being in the zone. This blog write here was my escape and I love taking care of it, Hip-hop and Neosoul. These were the things that defined me. Then things started going haywire with my job. All over sudden, I started experiencing some subtle indirect attacks…. The witch hunting kind of attack – you sudden become incompetent, unqualified and demotivated. All this I took in, slowly by slowly they started defining who I am. I stopped being the girl who’s got her shit together to the girl who had no idea what she want or what tomorrow looked like. Her shine started diming.


About the same time I got pregnant and before I could figure this whole mess up I became a single mother.. There is being a single mother. Then there is being a single mother amidst a mess. Things get thick and took a toll on my emotions. Self-esteem went out the window. I started feeling like a failure. Happy days become a futile. I kept pushing despite having those days… Days you question every little thing. Days you have no idea what you are doing. Days you wonder how your daughter will turn out and days you just want things to work out. As a girl who has grown up partly without a dad, I worry for my daughter more than anything. I worry she might experience daddy issues. That she might never get to have enough of her dad. That she might grow up looking for validations in all the wrong places. And so all this weight I have carried along with me for years. And slowly by slowly I’m getting weary, hurt and even sadder. And I am tired of masking it up. And in the mix of all these, I have in turn hurt people- consciously or otherwise, I have done things that’s I’m not pleased with. I’m not the person I was and it scares me that I may be heading into a ditch if I don’t get things together. I am getting absent minded more often- something I have never experienced. I’m scared depression could just walk in without my notice and it would be sad for me, my daughter and mom who look up to me.

What am I trying to say? I. Need. To. Save. Me. I want to speak my issues out. I want to heal.

PS. I would like to hear your story of whatever it is you are struggling with. Leave me a comment.


6 Months’ a Mother

I want you to know that you overwhelmingly overpower me

And makes me realize how small I am.

And big

And vulnerable.

And strong.

And a fighter.

For you, I am everything!

You turned my life upside down.

I want you to know that I love you.

I will always do.


I honestly never knew a love that’s so deep and pure until you came into my life.

As long as  live, I will be there for you

I will always have your back

I will be there to hold your hand

I will be your cheerleader

every step of the way, I will.

And because there are battles I wont fight for you,

when I can’t protect you,

I need you to know that you will be fine.

‘cos you are a star

‘cos I taught you how to survive.

life ain’t easy.

You need to know that,

every time I close my eyes to pray,

I never miss to mention your name.

…But should anything happen,

when I’m not here anymore

promise me that you will be alright.

And baby,

when you’re too big for my laps,

In my heart, you are engraved!

PS: I got you baby. God got us 🙂

Cheers To The Baby Onboard


I want to tell you how obsessed I am about you. Of the long nights we have had together. As you twirl, kick and move. How I engage you in small talk.  How I get to work late because I need not to interrupt your playing moment right after my alarm goes off. That moment is Holy. I love it when I am hungry and you kinda throw tantrums. At that moment you don’t only kick or move, you throw things around in there to remind me that I need to feed you.

I however wonder how you look like. Do you look more like your father or me? Will you have my eyes or his? One thing I don’t doubt is that you look awesome, and amazing, and unique, and loved.  Damn, so much! I never understood my mother’s love until saw you through the ultra sound at week 15. Suddenly my bladder relocated to the eye-balls. You were so beautiful in black and white. I am still in awe…  Yet,  it hasn’t been blissful all through. You have given me scares that had me running to hospital in tears. Still, I have spent countless nights wondering if I will be good for you. If my good will be enough for you. Will my love will be enough? Will you love me back? Please remind me to love myself when I’m lost in you, will you?

I pray that you grow up in good health; of mind, body and soul. May you grow in knowledge and wisdom; to have mental, spiritual and social intellect. I pray I don’t fail you. I pray that you live to your true purpose. That nothing will hold you back. I pray you seek God in everything you do; that Matthew 6: 33 will always be your reference point. I pray you don’t take after me, or your dad or anyone else. Be your true self, unique in character and personality. I pray you will forgive me for the many times I will mess things up in the hope of doing good to you and for you.

I pledge to introduce you to my God; Proverbs 22:6 compels me to it.  The God I have known all this long and trust that when you grow up, you will not depart. I pledge to love and protect you even from yourself. I pledge to give you all that I can; all that you need. I pledge to set out a path for you to which you will follow when you are big enough. I would pledge the entire world for you my love, flesh of my flesh.

So, cheers to you; for making me a mother. For teaching me patience- I am not the most patient person yet here I am, waiting to meet you. For invading my body (good job kiddo). For the hectic 4 months of morning sickness and an entire unpredictable pregnancy thereafter. For teaching me to appreciate little things *see what I did there*. Above all, thanks to God  for choosing and entrusting me with you. This is for you!

PS: You are my new revelation; and so my life will change. My Facebook statuses will revolve around you and so are my IG posts. And because we are a generation of social media mum, you will forgive me.

Let’s at least agree on that.


Oh Baby!

‘This little heart of mine, I am gonna protect it’

Baby you amaze me

the way you tickle me

your squirming moves

You have already changed me

And how you give me those scares?!

I am excited


at how much I have already learnt

As the journey unfolds,

I am eager to meet  you

and experience the unending love

from you my little star.

17 Apart

Photo credit: Google

Strange! I am not afraid.

I was not sad then.

when the door closed on me.

I did not mourn.

Because it was a journey you had to take.

You had to leave. And I let you, gracefully

521 days apart.

Each day bearing a renewed hope of getting close to you.

I asked God to take care of you

And meanwhile prepare me to embrace you.

On your return.

From a world of different choices

Of broken roads

But somehow leading us closer each day

I prayed for you a little extra

each day more than the day before

Something told me you’ll need it.

Especially in tracing your way back

To a love that started way before we met

Destitute Lover


(Image by M. Murori)


Left to fend for ourselves
For our own protection and love
We’ll never know love again since that Sunday morning
We parted with their warmth and care on that fateful day.
In an island of loneliness. A winter of emotions
Burying our skins in the sand for cover
Scattered all over the place with nowhere to call home
They said we had to learn to survive. And fight on our own.
Destitute-motherless children
They died when they closed that door on us
Left us cold as the morning dew
Scavenging in the streets for food

Broken Tune


An unsung song

With a broken tune

And broken chords of my guitar

And a hoarse voice

Terribly screeching sound

As it plays

A broken tune

of what was once a beautiful soul

And the woes endured

Wretched heart growing old

And thoughts already lost

Melodic songs have been sung

by others but her.

Lost words and no rhyme



Trembling voice


New Year Resolutions

I know. It’s the 47th Day of January 🙂 and a tad too late to make resolutions. At the beginning of this year, I thought through all the things I intended to accomplish. Normally, I have a list of resolutions, most of which I never accomplish. However this time I wanted to do things differently, so I made a silent resolution I hadn’t intended to share till I read a very similar post here.

I have had the most uncomfortable year in 2013 and many times I asked myself and the man above so many questions. I have cried and whined. Felt sad within and void … It was until late last year, after so much pushing and pulling with God that I gave up. Yes, I gave up pushing God. I gave up forcing my way and control when what He want me to do is stay still. I surrendered and let Him have His rightful place.. And from that moment I felt a sense of greatness. I made a pact with God to thank and appreciate Him and those around me.

So this year, all wrapped in one, Matthew: 6: 33.

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

What I’m saying is I resolve to seek God more and more. I want to fall in love with Jesus. I will wait on him and seek his lead even when I’m impatient and agile because He is the giver of all that we desire. I will walk my paths seeking His face earnestly, loving Him and others because that’s what He who created me wants me to do.

See, if I can be able to achieve this, then any other resolution/plan for this year can fall well below this!

Date a Man Who Prays

Date a man who prays,
A man who will not be ashamed to tell you ‘baby wait’,
Just when you’re about to take a bite off that meal,
He will not be ashamed to lead in prayers,
One who, every morning will remind you to give thank for yet another sunrise,
He will sit at your bedside as you’re deep asleep to thank God for you.

Date a man who has a functional relationship with the maker
Not lost in religion; instead, he cultivates a sound relationship with the higher being
A man after God’s words and deeds
He will commit his daily work to God in prayers
As the head of the family,
He will dedicate his house to God’s protection

Date a man who prays,
A man who’s grateful for the little thing in life
One who appreciates the marvelous works of God in a woman,
He will see her in the likeness and image of God,
And will respect her for that.

You, should date a man who prays!

Poetically, Musically, Emotionally

Crafted in this beautiful piece
You and I took form
Rhyming and synced
And sometimes we take no form
no pattern
Informal like a prose
Still we metamorphosed into who we are
like butterflies

Created a song together
Added melody and rhythm
Funkified our dance
You and I doing a tango
Dancing to love
And sometimes we hit wrong chords
but the dance never stops
As the beat changes,
So does our steps

Love stricken
Serenading each other with love song
Openly displaying our feelings
Sometimes we hurt and our scars shows
Of our imperfections
Still we have a love affair with our souls
Creating a unique blend of you and I
High in ecstasy